Surrender

It’s taken me years to land at my current understanding of what surrender means to me. I used to believe it included an element of giving up, of waving the white flag. It is much more nuanced than that. Before I was more in alignment with my intuition and body wisdom, I confess that I often doggedly tried to force things to work out, to beat them into submission to my will. As you can imagine, that was not terribly successful not only in the results, but in feeling satisfaction and honoring my authenticity.

Surrender has involved letting go of beliefs, attitudes, habits and other behaviors that were working against me. When I was introduced to the book, Co-dependent No More, a couple of years ago, I felt I was given the key to unlocking the mystery of me. Always an over-giver and people pleaser, I had to dig very deep and explore my early childhood traumas and recognize that the patterns I developed to keep me safe, were also the behaviors wreaking havoc in my relationships. To shift this, I started observing where I gave my power away, what triggered my victim wound, and where I continued to give more than I had the capacity for. I started saying NO when giving would deplete me and my ability to function, or if it simply wasn’t necessary for me to participate. I consciously said YES when it was a full body yes for me. And recently I had to say no to a dear friend who needs help. It was for an event I’d been helping with for years, and last year it nearly broke me. I knew I didn’t have the physical stamina and energy to do it. It was difficult to say it, and to my surprise he thinks that’s the best decision I’ve made. I surrendered to what I knew I had to do, having faith that the universe will provide the help needed to my friend. In other words, I released feeling responsible for everyone and feeling the need to control outcomes. I have started taking responsibility for myself.

For now, I am slowing my pace in order to hear the clues. Where am I headed? I’m not completely sure, but I know that in this moment I am following my intuition and am living more authentically each day. I surrender to the flow of life while taking responsibility for my choices and actions.